The Meh of Marvel Masterworks Part 3

The Sub-mariner; he of the sassy pants, and sassy eyebrows.

Meet Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner, Lord of Atlantis, ruler and protector of the seven seas. Oh, wait. No, sorry. This is Aquaman, the OTHER Lord of Atlantis, ruler and protector of the seven seas.

This is Sub-mariner. Please note the eyebrows.

At some point in the earliest days of Marvel, Mr sparkly-pants was actually one of the most popular characters that were around. Hard to believe, but the internet says it, so it must be true. Super strong, super fast, and supposedly super-sexy (ugh), he’s also totally super jerky. And kind of rapey, in a repressed 60’s kind of way. Namor has “never taken no for an answer’ (p. 127), and if he decides that you’re cute, he’s going to kidnap you and take you away to be his underwater Queen. I mean, you don’t get a choice about it, but at least he’s going to marry you all right and proper. Plus, maybe you’ll get a super sparkly outfit like his! His Silver Age appearances start in Fantastic Four #4, where Johnny Storm finds him living on the streets with no memory, and *sob* no sparkly green booty shorts.

He helps out a bit, comes on to Sue Storm a lot, and then tries to go all droit du seigneur and kidnap her to be his underwater Queen. Even though he’s actually lost his kingdom and entire race somewhere.

He's meant to be the anti-hero guy. You know, sometimes fighting with the good guys, sometimes against. Plus they try to blame his mixed blood for his idiotically short temper. Apparently the chemistry of Atlantean/ Human DNA is enough to turn him into a tantrumy toddler who can like, bend steel bars, and destroy whole cities, etc.Lots of blah, blah later, and he finds his people, and somehow somebody finds a reason for him to get his own series. Yay.

So, “masterwork” #32: The Sub-Mariner. I have a lot of questions.

The Atlanteans all seem to be blue, so why is Namor the only pink dude? RESEARCH! Ah, ha! Like some other underwater ruler we know, Namor is half Atlantean and half human. And even though there is a sickeningly large amount of emphasis on his blood right to be king, and the whole male primogeniture thing, it is his mother who was the Atlantean royal. During an attempted palace coup, the evil Warlord Kang (his actual title is warlord) tries to take over the palace, and, again super rapey, try to make Namor’s royal cousin Dorma marry him. Of course, she’s only into Namor, and spends a lot of time somehow crying big, fat, VISIBLE tears UNDER THE WATER! (and on that note, how do most of the atlanteans have these awesome flowy cloaks that do their flowy thing under water). Anyway, SM has to go off and fulfil quests that apparently only the true ruler can pass. Oooh, and once he does, he gets a super cool, totally phallic trident to prove how great he is.

Does Atlantis have any kind of system of governance in place? Who was in charge while he was off being amnesia guy? I mean, we know that they don’t have lawyers. Any crimes just get you shoved into a prison cell, or thrown into a trench for monsters to chew on. SM actually decided to sue the entire human race at one point, and goes off to find himself a human lawyer. Who happens to be Matt Murdock. Of course.

Seriously, what is the deal with the booty shorts? All the other Atlanteans have real clothes, including the aformentioned swishy cloaks that magically bend the rules of physics. So why does Namor only ever wear sassy, green sparkly and/ or scaly shorts? With a fancy gold belt with a big S on it of course. Does he just have, like a hundred pairs? Are they made out of fish skin? Who does his laundry? I mean, who does the laundry of any superhero????? I suppose Iron Man has a super fancy robot or something, and Spiderman probably has to handwash his, so that Aunt May doesn’t find out. And we know that Deadpool takes his stuff to the local laundry mat. There’s probably a niche market for drycleaners who can take care of this sort of thing.

Anyway. WHY DOES NAMOR HAVE TINY LITTLE WINGS ON HIS FEET! Despite that fact that he gets all his strength and power from water, he also can fly with these things.Which is illogical, and breaks physics. I mean, wouldn’t they get toally waterlogged? By the Watery Wand of Neptune, Why!

Really, why?

Final analysis, “Imperious Rex” all you want, I'm sticking with Jason Momoa.

(Oh, Holy Hannah, there’s another four volumes)